So. About Wrestlemania 39.

Ever since Triple H took over as the Lord of creative (check out Corey’s piece on how H handled creative so far here), I’ve always been curious about how he would book two of my favourite shows of the year. Royal Rumble and Wrestlemania. 

The Royal Rumble 2023 turned out to be a solid event as a whole but what about Wrestlemania 39?

The build for this show from the same person that handled Takeovers over the years, has been VERY disappointing in my humble opinion other than the Bloodline arc and Rey and Dominik Mysterio arc. 

The question is, did the show that went Hollywood, Hollywood swinging? Well, let me describe it in some Kool & The Gang songs in that it had the, “Funky stuff” that had me “Get Down On It” in a “Street Corner Symphony”. 

I was describing night 1. Night 2 was definitely depending on where you live “Winter Sadness” with finishes that were “Misled”. 

With that being said, What better way to convey my thoughts on Wrestlemania going Hollywood once again than with *clicks pen* A LIST! 

Austin Theory defeated John Cena for the United States Championship – Side note, Austin went from having a theme song that sounded like a DMX (RIP) ripoff to a Mike Shinoda ripoff. 

The Street Profits defeated 3 other tag teams in a fatal four-way tag team men’s showcase – That shooting star press from Ricochet onto everybody and that shoulder tackle from Angelo Dawkins to Braun Strowman was *Gordon Ramsey’s voice* delicious. 

Seth Rollins defeated “The crypto scammer” Logan Paul – Who would’ve thought a guy who used to make videos on how Heskey is “the best player to rely on” in Fifa 12 is now at Wrestlemania? Unreal. 

Damage Ctrl lost to Becky Lynch, Lita and Trish Stratus – Based on that match, Damage Crtl don’t got the rage because I could most definitely see dissension between Bayley, Dakota Kai and Io Sky. 

Rhea Ripley won the blue women’s belt by slaying the queen – The only thing I didn’t like about a match I enjoyed was getting to hear Charlottle Flair’s awful new theme song. 

Pat McAfee took Miz out quickly in an impromptu match – I love Wade Barrett but can McAfee come back to the commentary? 

The power of friendship from Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn has finally ended The Usos’ WWE undisputed tag team title reign – I’m not crying. You’re crying. 

Brook Laser had a ONCE IN A LIFETIME encounter with Omos and fortunately for him, he won – It lasted for almost 5 minutes and it was fun, to be honest. 

Ronda Rousey and Shayna Baszler defeated 3 other tag team’s in a women’s tag team showcase – A reminder that Liv Morgan rules! 

Gunther defeated Sheamus and Drew McIntyre in a big meaty men-slapping meat bout – The title said it all! 

Asuka’s defeated Wrestlemania streak continues as she lost to Bianca Belair for the red women’s belt – *Joe Biden’s voice* WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! (great match though). 

Shane McMahon returned and channelled his inner Kevin Nash by tearing his quad and then Snoop Dogg with a G move of improvising the whole thing by defeating The Miz – You know WWE f’ed up when I would much rather see Snoop wrestle than have Shane come back. 

Also, when Snoop Dogg replied to what Miz said of “his ring and his city” with, “this is our ring and our city”. He spoke like a true comrade. 

Edge slayed the demon inside Hell In A Cell – *Joe Biden’s voice* WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY!

Another potential emotional moment was squashed by Roman Reigns – *Joe Biden’s voice* WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! (great match though). 

Look, while Cody did lose the match, Imma pour one for my white ally by quoting Tupac In California Love, “Out on bail, fresh out of jail, California dreamin’ Soon as I step on the scene, I’m hearin’ hoochies screamin’. Fiendin’ for money and alcohol, the life of a Westside player. Where cowards die and the strong ball”.